Becoming Mindful of Golden Key Memories

When we are unsure of ourselves, lost or grieving, we can get trapped in past memories. When we allow them to be through mindfulness, we find that buried in a memory is a golden key; a hidden message that can trigger a shift in consciousness for healing.

I’d like to share one such memory.

It was an ordinary evening before my husband died. He had gone into the study after dinner while I sat in the living room alone. A profound feeling of sadness came over me and I got up and went to the study. I leaned up against the door and watched him stare into the computer screen. When he looked up, I remember thinking his cheeks were pale and his eyes weary. We had been married for 25 years and we considered ourselves warriors.

 “You can go,” I announced. “You’re so tired and you deserve to be happy.” The words just poured out of my mouth.

Under ordinary circumstances, that kind of remark would have seemed out of place, but in that moment he didn’t blink. He just looked at me and I looked at him and it was as if we were remembering our entire relationship. There was love and care in that moment and I wanted to cry, but I kept calm.

“You don’t have to worry about me anymore,” I continued. “And our kids? They are amazing. They’re grown up now and it’s okay. I just want you to know it’s okay, if you go. You deserve to be happy.”

My husband’s eyes closed and opened in slow motion. He was tired and kind. “What are you talking about?” He asked gently but somehow the question felt rehearsed. “Where do you want me to go?”

“You’ve been taking care of us for so long and you don’t have to worry any more. I’m strong now and time is passing so quickly and you’re so tired. You don’t have to take care of me anymore,” I said, getting emotional now. “You can be free. You can leave.”

He cocked his head to one side and a lightness of being spread over his face like when we were twenty something. “Where do you want me to go?” he repeated.

I just looked at him as if he’d forgotten.

Then, my lip quivered. “Home,” I said.

I remember feeling possessed with the thought that I had to give him permission to leave me, leave us. That he would not be happy if he stayed because it was obligation when his spirit wanted to be free. I imagined him running off to the country of his birth and living by the sea. How much he loved it there! Mostly, I imagined him at peace and carefree. His happiness was the most important thing.

“How am I supposed to leave without you and the kids?” He asked and then chuckled softly, gently.  

The moment filled with compassion.

Then, he turned away and after a moment, I walked away.

Back in the living room, I sat. I felt tender, sad and powerless but then the moment passed and I began to feel a little silly and confused like, what was that all about?

A few months after, my husband died. Later, when I tossed his ashes into the deep blue sea of his country, I thought he was finally home and his spirit was free. He had found the courage to go home and be free without me. At least that’s what I thought then.

Now, it’s been a year and I think, yes, he’s home and he’s free and even though we are not together, we are gentle kindred spirits with deep compassion for each other. What happened then and what’s happening now are simply part of our destiny. Becoming open and caring and mindful of these golden key memories have been part of my journey. That one, in particular, taught me how souls speak to one another and there are moments in life that transcend all reasoning. There is a language of the spirit and in death, in loss, in grief– we can open this window to reveal hidden truths about who we are and who we’re meant to be.

What is Love? More on Entanglement Theory

I have written about Entanglement, that we are entangled with some people more than others and this entanglement will influence how we behave in the world. A spiritualist would say we are entangled at the soul level. A scientist would argue we are entangled at an atomic level. Consciousness is bringing the nature of our entanglements to the surface, bringing them into awareness so that our bodies can act in the space we call earth, in this time and place we call human existence. How do we know when we are entangled? We are entangled with family by way of birth. All other entanglements arise when we are drawn to an individual and this energy, this magnetism, is called Love.

As awareness begins to arise in you, you begin to allow for the possibility of entanglement, this Love being a simple truth. You will begin to realize that your happiness and peace of mind are tied up with the happiness and peace of mind of another. You are confronted with the notion of your total interdependence. And then, there is the question of what to do, if you are to do anything at all.

But let me first say more about this consciousness, this arising awareness, because this is in answer to the pressing question: What is love? There is first a sense, and then a knowing that grows into belief, a truth, residing in the heart and stomach together, a sort of generator of the two occurs, like a spark, a combustion, a steady flame, an energy that arises and falls continuously in your inner world, in your body, as your breath rises and falls, it is there and slowly your mind begins to integrate it. As this settles inside you, as being simply part of you, you are confronted with a deeper knowing that I mentioned before, that your happiness and peace are bound to the happiness and peace of another. And so now, there it is, you are facing the issue of interdependence, of being bound to someone outside yourself. And you are also confronted with this tremendous need to release this energy, because it is roaring inside you, gentle and loving as it feels, it is also very powerful, and it begins to erupt inside of you as all love energy does, it is part of your will, a will-power so to speak, and it grows and tumbles inside you until it finds an outlet, or not.

This, if we allow it to be, to consider moving love energy outward into action— starts with Intention. An intention is the willingness to take something out of the safe cocoon of our consciousness into reality and even this step can feel scary because inside it is pure and safe feeling and depending on the nature of our entanglement it may be complicated. If our happiness and peace are bound by the happiness and peace of another, what is the action that is really required of us? That is the question, if we are truly loving and so it is perfectly natural to be careful about how we proceed with love.

We are talking about Love in action as the manifestation of what already exists in our inner world, and expressing it outward, allowing it to be released into open space, free.

All that we are and all that we experience in human form is this: thought into action. It is the ebb and flow of manifesting our soul onto earth and feeding our soul with evidence of will power and back again, until we are fully situated in the ongoing experience of happiness and peace, that sensation of lightness of being and “I am flying and free.”

There are warnings and trials and errors as we shift into this type of living. Sometimes we trap love in the inner workings of the mind and do not allow it into the spaciousness. We hold on tight and create a blockage that may result in illness and suffering. Pain, regret and feelings of inadequacy are all signs of this malady. Perhaps it’s fear or perhaps we are simply not ready for joy, or the nature of our entanglement is even more complicated than it seemed at first. Feelings of confusion arise. Still, love persists, waiting. Every entanglement requires a quantum release.

So, how to release, how to put our love into action? How do we know what will bring happiness and peace, when we are bound with another? How can we ever really know what the other wants and needs? This is our dilemma. This is the work of our journey toward enlightenment. To raise awareness, to allow and accept that you know how to act in accordance with your unique love entanglement; and to discover the right action that is required in the moment, not for one or the other, but for the happiness and peace of two souls, caught in the phenomena of interdependence.  

All love energy is creative. It moves and grows from thought to seed, that which resides in our inner world– to flowering, that which we can see manifest in the outer world, reality.

Starting from the very beginning, our life is about this essence of the will to create, of creation in its totality. That is how we exist, through the creation of two beings merging together into one, interdependent from the start, producing you, a unique body and soul formed out of this union of two.

Life urges us to move into union, over and over again, to move into this natural state of communion with another, to be in relationship with one another, to experience this intimacy, to find happiness and peace, right now, in this moment, each moment holds a possibility. As you begin to see this, to see yourself as a product and producer of love, born to create and manifest happiness and peace in relationship with others, you will understand your purpose.

A Glimpse into the Pandemic

The ground around the mall is covered with snow and ice. People are covered with masks and parkas. I imagine tight lips behind the masks, but I can’t see so maybe I’m projecting. I follow a couple who looks lost in some random search for Gucci or Kate Spade. We’re in the middle of nowhere shopping and pretending.

Emptiness. A flutter of anxiety. The horror of shopping. I’m thinking everything looks and feels dead and empty. This emptiness feeling is relentless suddenly and I’m having trouble breathing. I pull down my mask and wonder, when will this feeling end? When will this feeling that everything is unreal and wavering end?

We leave empty handed. I’m hungry and driving down the interstate. Now what? People are waiting for normalcy but there’s no normalcy after this. We’ve seen the void, the big black hole in the center of the universe. We know fragile and temporary and how relationships unravel under pressure, revealing. We know that some of us can keeping going on while others lose it. We know there’s an end to wishful thinking. We know we can survive without living.

My son, who is sitting in the passenger seat, lets out a heavy sigh and closes his eyes. I think, this man creation came out of me! He’s grown up now so I see him as my son but not belonging to me. We are two passengers on the same ride but tomorrow is unknown. We are thrown together for this fleeting moment and somehow I find solace in his presence.

I’m exhausted when I get home, like the sensation of emptiness sucked the life out of me. How nice would it be to slip into some drug induced coma right now but instead, I pour myself a scotch and start cooking.

I thought I had learned to surrender to all this already, to just let tomorrow go, find joy in the present ordinary. I thought anxiety would’ve disappeared by now and that I’d be swimming every day in the great big ocean of freedom like a Buddha whale. I thought eventually my heart would stop aching. But alas, this being human is a guest house and I’ll be visited every day in spite of awakening.